1 year old

February 1st 2004 (Sunday) I have not been up the hill on my own for a very long time (November I think). I planned to go up the hill today and Heulwen, being very considerate took Ieuan with her to her mother’s house for dinner. This gave me the opportunity to prepare myself for my time up the hill. It is a strange feeling when you do not need to hear anything, not your own voice, not the t.v., just nothing. A sort of silence falls over me, although my inner voice is probably in overdrive, it is nice just to be able to think, without all the clutter of life intruding. I left the house at approximately 11.40am and soon realised that I could time it just right to be at the stone circle by 12 noon. So I deliberately slowed down and realised that I would be there if I needed to be. As it so happened I was probably at the stone circle by noon, but did not actually look at my watch until 12.20pm after spending quite some time at the circle. I took some photos with my phone as I forgot the memory card for the camera. It also rained whilst I was at the circle so was unable to light a candle as I had hoped, but then it was obviously meant to be that way. I eventually walked up to near my tree and was unsure for a while as to whether to sit on my tree or go to the stone overlooking town. In my indecision I asked for help, for a sign to guide me, at which point a small insect flew up towards my tree and the feathers on my staff fluttered in a southerly direction, towards my tree. I therefore went in search of my tree. Instead of sitting on my tree at about 2 inches off the ground and probably cutting circulation to my legs, I instead looked around for some large stones and built them up underneath the tree so that is rested at about 12 inches of the ground, this with the sloping of the ground made it marginally more comfortable. I then proceeded to make preparations for journeying, setting up the drumming music, etc. The Journey I first stood in front of the entrance to the lower world and called out to my dove, asking forgiveness of Dove, as seeing if Dove would accompany me on a lower world journey. I discussed with Dove the shape that he/she manifests in and discovered that it can assume male or female form as required, it is just that I felt more comfortable in making Dove male, so as to not explore a certain route, as I wanted to keep this friendship as just that, friendship. So Dove will assume male or female form as I perceive Dove, and as the situation warrants it. We both descended into the cave, Dove flying and me gliding as only a human can (badly). Instead of falling into the pond as I usually do I instead stood on the water, hovering. And then came to the realisation that I am in complete control of what happens to me in journeying, and then proved it by appearing first outside the tree and then by the ledge in the cliff leading up to the stairs. I asked Dove the question; Why does it seem that I have lost that energy that I once had, and how can I get it back, how can I once again walk along my chosen path as shaman. Dove told me that, as with the pond I am in control, and the only reason why I have not been as involved is because subconsciously I chose not to, I have allowed myself to be distracted by other things. Dove said that I need to gain discipline and take control of my actions more, things like timetabling, prioritising, etc. Do I waste time watching TV., going on the internet, playing games, reading magazines and books etc, or do I make a conscious effort to follow the shamanic path? It almost seemed that I was being told off, but in a friendly manner (JUST). A last thought that Dove left me was how can I be a Disciple without Discipline? End of Journey On the way back down from the hill I was startled by Bel. I asked him why did he frighten me and his reply was that he is not only there to be nice, there are other aspects of him, some quite nasty. This then got me thinking and talking about the reasons why Bel looks after the earth during the winter months. What is Bel protecting the earth from? My only answer to this was, after some ten minutes, mankind. Out of all the creatures on this planet it would seem that we are the only creature capably of destroying it. We have the ability to do great good and the ability to do great evil. I had originally thought that Good and evil were both necessary, but it seems to boil down to harming something for a reason, and harming something without a reason. I then went home and typed this lot out.