Returning to the Hill

Sunday 20-11-05 I managed to find some time to walk up to the circle on Kilvey hill.

It was a strange experience for me. After such a long time away from the hill to finally get the opportunity to have some sacred time was wonderfull. I walked up the hill with my trusty phone camera, mp3 player and candle. I was listening to two songs on the way up, oth of them songs written by Lifehouse, ‘You & Me’ and ‘Blind’. Normally these songs are associated with emotions and the love that two poeple might have for one another. However while listening to these songs and walking towards the stone circle these took on a new meaning for me. they became symbolic of the ties that I hava with the hill and my shamanic practicies in general. What follows is a photo journal of my experience up on the hill.

Even though it was gone 4pm, there was still frost on the ground from the morning.

When I first laid eyes on the stone circle it was wonderful. Tears filled my eyes as I stood in amazement at the sight before me. For some 30 months the circle has stood, and finally the hill has accepted it as part of itself. It felt that the people of Bonymaen had almost forgotten that the circle existed, which on some level I want them to do. I want people to discover the circle when they need it the most, when the are looking for somewhere to sit down and gather their thoughts, or to reenergise themselves.

I brought a candle up to give thanks to the circle and the hill for giving me this special time and for helping me when i needed it the most. The lit candle also helps to symbolise a sacred time, while the flame is still lit I tend to concentrate my thoughts on things that are very personal and spiritual to me.

I took some photos of the scenery around me. This particular one was a very good picture, with the tree in shadow due to the setting sun.

I placed my medicine wheel on the altar stone, as the sun was setting further into the west and managed to take one or two photos, although they were quite dark.

Searching for me

It will soon be Winter Solstice (well in a few weeks). I usually try to find the time to celebrate it by taking some time off from work and spending some ’sacred time’ on Kilvey hill amongst the stones of the circle. It has been a very long time since I have been there. It has also been even longer since I walked Iand talked with my power animal. At present while I write this post I have a book next to me ‘Pagan Pathways’. I always feel in touch with one of the chapters in that book as it talks about the shaman being a community worker, which is my job at present and has been for nearly 3 years. In fact it was my suuden injection into the world of community work from being unemployed for 12 years that originally guided me into shamanism. So the two are very much linked in my mind. So this weekend I sit in silence, seeking lucidity. I need to find my way again, as I do not smile as often as I did, although I cry a lot more. Following the principles of shamanism was a joy for me for the first year, it suited me, and I suited it in many ways. There were elements that I felt uncomfortable about, but then the path of a shaman is an individual one, and I need to work out where my steps will fall. I yearn to walk up the hill to talk once more too the trees and to open my heart to nature. I wish to talk to my friend and companion, Dove, if he is willing too let me. I know that for most shamans there is always a time when they die in some sense, to be reborn. This experience is a very powerful moment in a persons life and is often the event that shows a person their shamanic path in some way. This last year has been very difficult, and in almost every regard I have been stripped bare, there is very little left of the inner hidden me. This I feel is the death that I am experiencing. At this point in my life, after being brought to such a low, it will be a test of my faith, my integrity, my love, in fact it wil be a test of every last fibre of my being. If I can still stand up after everything that is happening and everything that is still to come, and still find some element of good in it, something to learn from this life and this world then I will be the stronger for it and can move onto the next stage of my life, whatever that holds. But each journey starts with but a single step. I can sit here in front of this computer for all eternity, it will do me no good. I need to find ‘me’ again, I need to define what I am to the rest of the world, to stand and shout and to breath in the energy of life.

Nice guys come last

It has taken me most all my adult life to finally understand that saying, literally just now it snapped into place. I think in the whole I try to be a nice, pleasant, understanding person, and all the way through my life I have always been the person that some woman would love to have as a brother, a freind, an uncle, basically as a person to confide in. Not once has a woman I know ever wanted the nice guy for love or lust. It seems that women are attracted to the qualities that they say they dislike. They actually want the hulking man-beast to drag them back into the cave. Why am I so bitter, because it seems that I am going to lose one of the people that I let into my heart a long time ago, and what am I doing about it, talking to her, not argueing, being pleasant, giving her the opportunity that she needs. in other words, being the ‘Nice Guy’. WHAT AN IDIOT! I should be fighting, screaming at her, ripping the internet out of the socket, smashing the laptop up, doing everything in my power to keep her with me. But then, Am I in the wrong if I do that? Tonight I will be sleeping alone, Is this the first of many over the years to come? So should I remain the Nice Guy, or is it time I told the world to FUCK OFF for once?

The curse of superpowers

Have you ever though how cool it would be to read someone mind, to know what they are thinking? Agreed, everyone has probably thought about it at one time or another. But to be truthfull I can only look at it as a curse. I feel that in many ways I am able to read people, being a good observer of body language, and what people say and do not say, it all adds up to something that I often am able to read. But the question remains is that such a good thing being able to read people. I know it can come in handy in some situations with the first encounter with a person. But further dowen the road, when you know someone intimately, it becomes a curse, because there are truelly no secrets, as hard as a person might try to hide them, you have a gut feeling that says that what they are saying is not the whole truth. End result, lots of arguements, lots of denials, lots of lies, lots of pain and anger. Eventually the truth will come out, or you will cease talking to the person because the pain of knowing becomes to much to bear. So is it really that cool to have super powers let me know when you are hurting from the pain….

Staring into the Darkness

Well I do not know what to say of where to start. Part of me does not want to even write this down, as in doing so it becomes real in some way, and to be honest the last thing I want is for this to become real. Heulwen had some bad news two days back, the doctors suspect something and want to have heulwen do another Bone marrow test in order to verify the results of the first test. heulwen is not a happy person and to be honest neither am I. I know that we have been somewhat uncomfortable over the last few months, but now it seems that the part of me that was willing to stand up and fight has just left. How can we fight now, how can we argue. I know that heulwen needs someone now more than ever, but will she let me be that someone or will she turn to someone else, as it seems that she already has. It feels that I am the enemy at present, due to me looking after the finances, and then I find out something else and its like I cannot shout at her about it. I cannot tell her that what she is/was doing is wrong What am I suppose to do, but more importantly what is Heulwen going to do?