A pagan conversation into the early hours

Last night (and into this morning) I had a conversation with a pagan friend. Kate and I have a strange friendship. We might not see each other for months on end and then we just pick up where we left off as if not a moment has past. I believe Kate knows that I will always be there if she needs my help, and the same goes for her family.
However……..

Our conversation revolved around the various aspects of paganism, its great diversity, and which parts we are comfortable with and which parts we are not. I coined a phrase many moons ago when I called Shamanism my ‘Pick N Mix’ religion and I still believe just such.

One thing came out of the conversation and that is my inability to let go of my scepticism and blindly jump into my pagan pathway. I always seem to be holding something back in reserve. Even now after nearly 4 years of being a pagan I choose to only dip my toe in when it suits me.

Is this a necessarily bad thing? I do not know

Folded bits of paper

How many times have you looked across a dance floor at a person and fancied your chances? How many times have you sat in a cafe and looked across the room to a person and thought ‘What if?’ How many times have you offered to make a cuppa for a work colleague and ponder on whether you would one day pop the question?

Do we all walk through our life wearing our dreams and aspirations on our sleeve for everyone to see or do we write them down on small bits of paper, fold them up really tight and then bury them deep down in our souls, never given the chance to flourish.

Sometimes though the odd piece of paper escapes briefly and sees the daylight and for a short time you smile at the possibility, you find a little bit more strength to fight on, before tightly screwing the piece of paper back up and pushing in back into your soul.

How many pieces of paper do you hide deep in your soul? whose names are written on them? and do you ever let them loose once in a while, to let them see the sunshine before returning back to whence they came.

Feeling sorry for myself

I am sitting here in front of this computer typing away in my blog. Why?

Because I am ill today, as I was yesterday, my nose is all blocked up, my throat is croakey, my bones ache and I have zero energy. The bed is starting to look attractive again, evan though I only just woke up. The reason why I woke up was because the phone bill was in the back of my mind. I needed to get up and sort the direct debit out before they charge my £35 for the privelage of banking with them. And that is why I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself. On a day when all I want is peace and quiet.

But lets dig depper into this problem. Why am I ill, why am I feeling sorry for myself?

I think its because I work 5 days a week and 4 nights a week. I think its finally becoming too much for me to maintain and I need to cut back on some of the workload somewhere. So I need to talk to Graham in the Youth Service and chop off two sessions a week (perhaps Stadwen). The other two sessions start at 6pm so are over sooner rather than later which means I get to keep more of my ‘time’ in one place.

Another good point is that I have once again lost ‘Me’ in all the things that I do. I no longer go up the hill, and cannot remember when the last time was. I do not carry my shaman pouch or wear my jewellry or evan have my altar set up in the house. I do not find the time to sit and stare, to enjoy this exact moment without thinking about tomorrow.

I really do need to sort out a lot of things in my life, my health, my work, my social life, my family life, all of them are at present overturned or in chaos. I need to stop the wheel from spinning out of control and start turning it deliberately in the direction I choose to go.