Goodness that’s a title and a half to a post, should certainly bring the punters in……

In all seriousness I have not written a really thoughtful and deep post for quite a while and the mood that I have been in the last few days I think warrents a little ranting on my part so I thought I would go to town on this topic, lets see where it gets us.

Is lust enough? or do we all seek love?

I am starting to think, usually after i see everyone else enjoying their lives that Lust must be enough for about 95% of the population, and if you ever go clubbing in Swansea on a weekend then you probably think that lust is ok for closer to 99.99% of the population.

But when the hormones are back under control and the Hulk has finished smashing things then what are we left with? Well its either the desire for more lust or a dull ache that pleads with the body to look for something else, something deeper.

I look around at most people and I think on the emotional evolutonary chart they are all around about the level of the flat worm, and are probably more than happy to stay there too.  people cannot miss what they have never experienced (or can they).

But little old me, I seem to have evolved further along that evolutionary chart and am standing upright after throwing away my club, and I yearn for something more, something deeper than just ‘wham, bam, thank you mam’.  I am not knocking the lust side of things, I of course enjoy it when I get it, who doesn’t, but I am just saying that its not everything, and its certainly not the whole of my personal existence.

Last night I was standing outside a pub in Swansea and I felt two things, one was age, my gawd, I suddenly felt soo old, standing outside the Monkey Cafe, wearing my Airwalk trainers , 1/2 length shorts and listening to my music.  The other thing I felt was loneleness, watching others, mostly couple, walking past.  Then I had a glimpse of my future. was this all there ever will be?  Essentially walking through my life, alone, never fully sharing the deepest parts of me, forever chasing silly dreams and fantasies, never quite reaching the end of the rainbow.

So after that learning experience I feel as though my mood has darkened even further for now, and will probably take me some time to get out of it.  I have a lot of things to think about. decisions to make, roads to travel (any more metaphors just throw them in this part, lol.)

As I say, thats where I am, I jsut don’t know where I will be next.  I need to get out, walk for a bit, but as always its raining, although I might still go out…

(and this is for my slightly new friend tracey, the ache never really goes away and you are never alone in the whole aching game, there are probably thousands of us out there)….

G (slightly melancoly)