The Many Faces of Me

kilveyshaman — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 14:55:33 +0000

Our Time

When first we met, all was anew,
The expressions on her face, the smell of her hair,
The way she talked, even the way she walked.
Our passion was new and our hearts unhindered

Time….

Expectations defined and boundaries set,
Life seeps back in, commitments intrude.
The world still keeps moving,
No matter how hard we try.

Time moves….

You start to worry if it will last,
Panic sets in that passions might die.
You hope that the fires still burn,
That the love you feel is shared.

Time moves on….

You see her face cast in shadow.
Cascading hair, soul searing eyes.
Her lips part in a passionate smile
Chest heaving, heart racing.

Love….

Our hands touch, fingers embrace.
Eyes so close that we no longer see.
Her body the willing yin to my yang,
Nirvana is absolute, nothing else exists

Love Lives….

Time moves on, Life still intrudes.
Hands part reluctantly, she steps into the night.
All that is left is my aching heart,
and her lingering fragrance.

Love lives eternal….

I close my eyes and rest my weary head.
As I slip into my dreams to meet her again.
My lips utter the words my heart sings.
I love you.

Our time will come….

Written by the Kilveyshaman

Just a quickie, lol

kilveyshaman — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 08:46:17 +0000

just to let everyone know my weight is starting to head in the right direction again. I have been slowly losing weight again and am now 18st 2.2lbs. So close to being 17st something its killing me lol

Another weight gain update?

kilveyshaman — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 06:06:55 +0000

Ok well, I been full of false starts and unkept promises to myself the last year or so now, and hiding behind excuses as to why I did not need to worry abut losing weight but the reality of the matter is that I have not lost weight for some time and I should.

So this week end I took my son up to Penlan and got him inducted into the gym there and set both of us up with the passport to leisure and a monthly subscription to the sports facilities (Activa Duo).

So after a gentle weekend getting back into the swing of going to the gym and warming my muscles up to swimming again its time for me to refocus my efforts.

So its Monday morning and I weighted in at a whopping 18 stone 8.6lb. Certainly A lot of work to do there , even to just get back down to where I was 15 months back.

Its going to be a challenge but I am hoping to get down to 16stone (or at least in the 16 stone area) by the end of the year, so that’s over 2.5 stone in just under 4 months. Oddly enough it is do-able, but only if I really focus on this intensely.

My girlfriend is also going to try to concentrate on losing some weight but being a gentleman I will not disclose how much. And the same applies to my son, He weighted in yesterday and was shocked himself as to how much he was, so is intent on losing weight as well. I have set a target of a pound a week for him so it should be easily achievable and can then lose a stone by Christmas which would be nice for him.

So a health crazy bunch we all are init

Gareth

(semi skimmed, feeling more like full fat)

hurting

kilveyshaman — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 06:11:26 +0000

Why do I feel like this……..
Last night I was nearly in tears laying in bed, its barely been a day since I saw her last, she will be back in a few days time, So why does it hurt so much?

Why do I put myself through all this, listening to the music, huddling there, counting the moments until I see her again.

I don’t want to have to go through this again, but something tells me it is not over, there will be other times when I will have to be without her.

So I will go and curl up some more, until I see her again, and then I can smile, at least until the next time….

Lonely Nights, Relationships, Lust and Soul mates

kilveyshaman — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 21:49:09 +0000

Before reading this entry into my blog, it is perhaps advisable to read a selection of my musings over the last year or so about related topics;

2009/06/06 – lust versus love and chasing dreams

2009/09/13 – late night thoughts

2009/10/06 – maybe i should of started off with a plant

2009/11/24 – friends will be friends

2009/12/10 – words fail

So after reading all those posts to help set the scene, I expect you are all thinking so what am I going to write about now. Well I don’t really know, I got a vague sense of where I want to go with this like in some of my previous blogs, I think I will just let my fingers do the talking.

I found in an old ‘draft’ blog that I never posted the following;

I am curious as to what people define as a soul mate, so have done a little digging with google and a few other websites to see if I can hammer out a definition….

Richard Bach describes soul mates as “A soulmate is someone who has the locks to fit our keys, and the keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we; we can be loved for who we are and for who we’re pretending to be. Each of us unveils the best part of one another. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person were safe in our paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. “

Thomas Moore, in his book Soul Mates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship, page xvii, describes a soul mate as “someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life.”

I don’t really know where I was trying to go with it, and I did forget about the post for quite some time too, but I think it needs to be in this post now.

So where am I now in my relationship, my spiritual journey, my love life, whatever you want to call it?

Well I have found someone, its the same someone that I started talking too last October. Things have been slowly moving forward, each of us has been taking cautious tentative steps in our relationship, and as time has moved on we have developed a deeper understanding and love for each other. It has certainly not been an easy ride, with complications that I will not go into on this blog. However these have only helped to define our feelings even more. Often in the sad moments our true feelings come through all the more intensely, showing our love to be even deeper than we imagined.

Over the months I have opened myself up more, revealing my feelings only to be met and matched by similar feelings from this wonderful person. I feel that whatever the future holds now, neither of us could bear the thought of spending it without the other, but we still recognise the value of exploring our relationship slowly, patiently and one day at a time.

In one of my previous posts, I talked about lust and love, and how most people seemed to be happy with just lust. I still firmly stand by tat opinion and am happy to know that I have striven over the years to find Love. I believe that if you find Love then Lust will come along for the ride and the combination of both will take you to a place that is so intense there will never be a need fr your eyes to wonder or your heart to yearn for another.

The phrase ‘I only have eyes for you’ have a meaning to me now. Last night after spending the evening out with my soul mate, I started to loose all sense of what was around me (even the big screen LCD tv) and could only see the smouldering passion in her eyes.

Where do I go from here, I don’t know………..I am now in uncharted territory, I have only my heart to guide me, there is no map or well trodden path to follow. I only hope that as I travel my hand is clasped firmly in hers and that we travel these new horizons together.

Gareth (formally ‘G’)

weight lose update – a year ago today

kilveyshaman — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 12:22:07 +0000

Oddly enough I just realised that it was a year ago today that I was at my lowest ever recorded weight. Since then I have been struggling with keeping my weight under control, and at some parts of that year have totally lost control. I will admit at one point I was close to touching the 19 stone mark again, when I was just below 17 stone a year ago. Well I will admit my head, body, emotions and everything else have been all over the place, but of late I have been quietly losing a little bit of weight, keeping a gentle eye on what I am eating and now the weight is starting to move in the right direction again.

At present I am 18 stone 1lb, so although still over a stone heavy than before, its a lot closer than it was about 2 months ago.

Who knows, maybe by the end of the week I will be back in the 17 stone range

Space above and Beyond

kilveyshaman — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 18:20:31 +0000

A love poem (or descriptive narrative) from the pilot episode of a series I watched many years ago. It is both strange and yet a wonderful piece

Space above and Beyond

“Five billion years from now, maybe to the day,
the sun burns ninety percent of its hydrogen. A balance is destroyed.
More energy is created than released. Quickly, in a few million years,
the sun radiates all of its potential power. The star swells. Mercury, Venus,
the Earth… disappear. Swallowed. The sun truly, finally, touches the
sky. Life vanishes eons ago.

“Eventually, the sun shrinks, decreasing to the size of the Earth,
which reappears from the Red Dwarf’s grasp. With no gravity to hold
it, the Earth slowly floats away.

“Elsewhere, stars are born. Other star systems – older, larger -
continue to breathe. The solar system dies of crib death. If that’s
what it takes, then okay. If I must wait that long, then all right.
Because when I think of this, nothing is more desirable than the
hope of watching that last day when the sun flickers out, with you
beside me. We’ll sit alone on a dark chunk of ice at the top of the
world, and the stars above, beyond and between us will never shine
brighter as we drift away into space.”

Weight Loss Update – The Rematch

kilveyshaman — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 22:44:35 +0000

Well I know its been bad for a while, and I know I have been affording it thinking of any and every excuse in the book ( and some not in the book) to pretend it did not matter and that I would eventually sort it out. But know it is time, time for me to take stock and sort my weight out.

So I have been working over the weekend to look at how I can get back on track and have worked through all of my possible shift patterns in work (both jobs) to see how I can fit the gym and swimming into my ‘so called’ hectic life style.

And the silly thing is, I worked it all out and no longer have any excuses as to why I should not go back to the gym.

So this morning I weighted in and am ashamed to say that I am now 18 stone 7.2lb, not a very flattering number at all. Looking back on my weight loss it puts me back to where I was this time last year, so essentially a year wasted as far as my diet and general plan towards fitness are concerned. I am obviously not too happy about it, but knew I have been deceiving myself for quite some time.

So my plan is to reduce my food intake to 2000 calories a day and try to burn off in the gym about 600 calories a session and possibly another 5-600 in the pool as well.

So lets see where this goes and I hope that this time I can keep the focus long enough to try to get back below 17 stone before my 42nd birthday, if not below 16 stone.

So this is a very determined G signing off for another day

burning brightly

kilveyshaman — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 02:17:26 +0000

There is a saying or expression that sort of goes like this ‘a flame that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast’. In essence this means that you cannot have it both ways, the things that seem to be bright, that are larger than life itself, that seem too good to be true, will not last for long, sooner or later they will end. In some ways it makes it almost acceptable to ‘take things slow’ so that they will last longer. We seem to live in a fear of the possibility of losing those things that we hold dear if we try to cherish them too much

However, in the physical world, although this principal is relatively sound in most cases there is one huge example that defies this principle. The sun, our star, is the most intense flame we can ever get in this solar system, it is the brightest object in our heavens, yet it will far outlive everything else in this solar system and when it eventually dies will probably become the brightest of all things imaginable before it collapses and destroys itself.

So what do we learn from this. Well we can either play things safe and take things slow, savouring every gentle moment for what it is, or we can burn so brightly that we consume everything around us, bending the universe to our will.

But definitely no half measures

At the moment I want to burn

Bright Eyes – by Simon and Garfunkel

Is it a kind of dream,
Floating out on the tide,
Following the river of death downstream?
Oh, is it a dream?

There’s a fog along the horizon,
A strange glow in the sky,
And nobody seems to know where you go,
And what does it mean?
Oh, is it a dream?

Bright eyes,
Burning like fire.
Bright eyes,
How can you close and fail
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
Bright eyes.

Is it a kind of shadow,
Reaching into the night,
Wandering over the hills unseen,
Or is it a dream?

There’s a high wind in the trees,
A cold sound in the air,
And nobody ever knows when you go,
And where do you start,
Oh, into the dark.

Bright eyes,
burning like fire.
Bright eyes,
how can you close and fail
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
Bright eyes.

G (burning brightly)

Where you’re gone

kilveyshaman — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:13:54 +0000

Just how I feel at the moment, a nice song by Avril

“When You’re Gone”

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I’d do, I’d give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

[Chorus]