I have not written on here for a while, but it seems I have something I need to explore in some detail and sometimes I find it best if I can write it down in this blog.  Helps to focus me for a bit, either that or just shows the world how messed up my mind is lol……

I have quite a few friends, which is somewhat odd for me, as several years ago I was almost proud of the fact that I merely had acquantances, people who only needed me for something, rather than people who wanted to spend time with me.  I admit it is a somewhat jaded opinion of the world but hey that was me.

Now though I have friends, and quite a few of them. the problem however is when it comes to friends of the opposite gender (which most of my friends are.  Where do you draw the line?  How do you control your internal dialogue, the voice inside your head, the one that sneaks in when you least expect it too and shouts out to you ‘What if?’And then the problems start.  You feel that there might be a chance of something more, but just do not want to ask the person, just in case you lose them as a friend.

Now I have come up with a concept that is helping me to resolve this but its still early days, and sometimes I find it a bit difficult, especially on lonely night.

The concept is ‘Light and fluffy’ – a bit silly really, but essentially it involves just having lots of friends and spending time with them, a sort of immersion therapy if you will.  The doubts will still arise, and the ‘what ifs’ will still sneak attack me, but hopefully, in smaller and smaller doses, and less concerted attacks, until in the end I stop thinking that way.

However, there is still the issue, ‘WHAT IF?’, what if the other person feels the same way, and you take no notice, and you could of done the ‘happily ever after’.

I accept the fact that at present all I should have is ‘Light and Fluffy’ and it will be good for me to concentrate on that for a while long, but for how long?

By the way, I am enjoying light and fluffy, these are just some of my chaotic thoughts that I wanted to chuck out there into the universe

G (happy for now)

I just finished watching the Breakfast club for the very first time, the ending actually made me cry, who would of thought.  So here are the lyrics to the song.  Talk about a flashback to the 80’s

Hey, hey, hey ,hey
Ohhh…

Won’t you come see about me?
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love’s strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don’t You Forget About Me
Don’t Don’t Don’t Don’t
Don’t You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh…..

Don’t you try to pretend
It’s my feeling we’ll win in the end
I won’t harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don’t you forget about me
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I’ll put us back together at heart, baby

Don’t You Forget About Me
Don’t Don’t Don’t Don’t
Don’t You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on – call my name
Will you all my name?

I say :
La la la…

Screaming out to Feel

Pacing the floor in quickened expectation
Waiting for another new ink to prize
Nervous and glorious all at once
Head a spin for fight or flight

Sitting in the chair, skin bared to all
The needle buzzes, pain awaits
Skin tightens as the needle descends
A sudden explosion of pleasure and pain

Why do we mark our bodies so
Why do we strive to hurt this way
To momentarily stand out and scream
Just for a second to know that we live

We live our lives with muted senses
Surrounded by others expectations
All the while screaming out to feel
Wanting to explode into this world

In our failed attempts to be different
In our mission to be seen in this void
we ink, scar, pierce and brand our bodies
Only to realize that we are all the same

Then to realize that we all hurt
that deep inside we are all hungry to feel
the pain, pleasure and ecstasy of life
Then we scream out, but at least holding a hand

Written by the kilveyshaman

I remember watching some program once where, in order to teach people about commitment in relationships and responsibility they would ban them from such and give them a plant to take home and care for,  Then, after years of looking after the plant they might work towards a small domestic pet.  Eventually they would be allowed to start seeing people, and building personal relationships.

Perhaps I should of bought a plant…..

Seriously though…….I keep taking out my permenant marker of life and circling this issue with me.  The double edged reality that I want to dive head long into a relationship, even though I know on another level that I need to rebuild my own life and links and enjoy being single first.

With that in mind I am happy to recognise the fact that I have had two positive experiences, going to town on my own to meet up with friends, socialising and enjoying thier company and then coming home.  I need to do this more, sort of like immersion therapy, eventually I will become comfortable enough with it that I will not think twice about the thought of going to town on an evening and merely moving from pub to pub or club to club with the confident knowledge that I will bump inot familar and friendly faces in each of them (Not that I want to turn into an alcoholic disco stu, lol).

Nonetheless I have enjoyed myself the last couple of times I have gone out.  This week I have a few more social engagements on my calendar and I am curious as to how well behaved I will be, you never know, in a couple of years time I might be allowed to look after a small pet……

G (Relationship Guru)

Loving all his friends (old and new)

Ok, Last night I read up on Google Wave, thanks to Mashable.com and their twitter/facebook feed that I follow.  I then spent odd bits of today watching their 90 minute video from a Conference that they attended (the Keynote speech).  And now I feel truelly blessed.  I believe that Google Wave will revolutionize how we interact over the internet and it brings everything one step closer to everyone using just one type of communication to access every nock and niche of thier lives and the lives of the friends, family and colleagues.

The concept of turning mail on its head and having the ability to have multi-threaded conversations within them is awesome and so full of interactive potential to be blowing my mind away for quite some time.  I would highly recommend everyone watching the video on their website at wave.google.com

G (The G wave)

X

OK I just been mulling this concept over in my mind for the last hour, and I find it rather fascinating so I will try to write it down and share it with you all.

OK we as a species have become one of, if not, the most successful species on this planet to date, and yet we are constantly hounded by such concepts as trying to balance our existence with that of the planet, to not abuse her, to reduce our population to a stable level, to not use up the fossil fuels, to come up with ways of reducing waste, of recycling, etc.  I can underatand these ideas and even support them as far as is practicable in my own lifestyle.

However many people seem to regard the human race as something totally seperate from all the other species on the planet, there is us and then there is nature.  We build town and cities and roads and yet we are encrouching on nature, destroying her.

As one of my favourite authors once pointed out, the beaver is part of nature and yet it cuts down trees, builds dams and alters the course of rivers and streams to suit itself, often changing the environment around it.  The praire dog builds huge underground cities, numbering into the hundreds of thousands and yet this is still part of nature.

Personally I think it is arrogant of us to assume that we are not part of nature, that we are somehow above it.  We are this planet, evolving and adapting, we are its experiment.  In the film ‘Independence Day’ the alien species is compared to a swarm of locust, travelling from planet to planet, stripping it of resources and yet locusts are part of nature and follow their own patterns, which the planet adapts too.  Locust have been around for a very long time and I doubt they will die off any time soon and yet we are not over run with them and they have not stripped our planet bare.

As a species I believe that we have evolved far enough that we are the first species on this planet that can now either adapt its environment to suit itself or even adapt itself to any environment.  We can even live in a tin can in the vacuum of space, and probably even thrive there, and I think that is and has to be our next step in our evolution.

If we are to be compared to the Locust then I think it is part of our evolutionary step to move beyond the confines of this planet, to, in a sense, strip it bare of its resources, so much so that we have to ‘hurl ourselves out into the void’ to find other resources, the moon, the asteroids, the other planets, and even other star systems.  If we do not then we have to follow a path that will allow us to strike a balance with this planet, to live in harmony, to regulate our activities and our population, and down that road lives an evolutionary dead end.  We will be stepped on by some other species, either from this planet or from another, one that is more aggressive in its evolution than us (The locust to our Dodo).  Dinosaurs once ruled this planet and something happened to them, the smaller species managed to adapt, but changed the direction of thier evolution from hunter/killers to what has not become a small budgie in a cage that stresses out at the slightest thing and starts pulling its feathers out.

So we have to continue evolving, aggressively until this planet cannot hold us and then burst out into the universe.

But ultimately, what can I, or even we do about this.  Nothing, nothing at all.  As one voice in the dark, as one candle lit against the coming storm, I am not that arrogant to assume that I could have an impact on the species and its evolution, only time can be the final judge of what we become, and I will be dust a long time before then….

G (feeling very philisophical)

Well Ieuan is upstairs after I sent him up to go to sleep, afterall he is 11 now and should be able to sleep upstairs without his daddy going to bed as well…..so i have an opportunity of quiet reflection and blogging, and as we all know I like to blog when I can, and my adorable fans all like it too.

But what to talk about. thats the problem I sort of know where I want to go in this conversation but jst do not know where to start, so I will let the words flow on thier own and see if it takes us where I want it to go.

The last week I have been on high flirt levels as I often can be, but those that know me best realise that that is really just a screen to cover the real me and to throw shadows and illusions at the world around me.  But now its late at night and I look towards my bed thinking that its empty and wondering how long it will remain such.

Now I know we all need to stand tall, and I know that I need to get out and enjoy myself more (hence the flirting), but at the end of the day can I be something that I am not.  Can I be the casual, light hearted fun guy, who flits from one relationship to another like a bee with its flowers, or am I only capable of what I already am, a person who is a hopeless romantic, who dives head first into any relationship, regardless of the cost.

I am presently trying so very hard to remain that light carefree person, but at the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow, I am alone, and it frightens me to think too long down that road, wondering when or if I will enter into another meaningful and real relationship.

Can I live each day as it presents itself, not worrying about the next.  Or do I look to the future and allow myslef to become caught up in some minor depression.

So heres to me, signing off, G

Loving all those special ladies out there….

xxx

I was listening to this song this morning on the radio and it brought back some memories of me as a teenager crying into my pillow, thinking about girls……

So here are the lyrics and boy are they powerful

Against All Odds

How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we’ve shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
‘cos there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
‘cos there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me
is against all odds and that’s what I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
‘cos there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
‘cos there’s just an empty space
But to wait for you,
well that’s all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now,
‘cos I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That’s the chance I’ve got to take, oh, oho

Just take a look at me now

Aye they were good days, lol……

Now I am off to find my pillow and have a cry again  – NOT

The G (there can be only one)

]]> http://kilveyshaman.wordpress.com/2009/09/13/against-all-odds-phil-the-man-collins/feed/ 0 kilveyshaman http://kilveyshaman.wordpress.com/2009/09/13/perving-in-pwll/ http://kilveyshaman.wordpress.com/2009/09/13/perving-in-pwll/#comments Sun, 13 Sep 2009 11:03:30 +0000 kilveyshaman http://kilveyshaman.wordpress.com/?p=417 ]]>

Well its a few days late now but i thought I just have to write up on my adventures in Pwll.

So there I was chatting to my friend on Monday evening, when I discovered that this poor soul was doing the late night bus home and was taking well over an hour to get home after finishing work at 10pm.  Now me being a Gentleman could not tolerate such a dilema for a damsel in distress (although I doubt she was distressing) so I offered her a lift for the following evening.  Thereafter followed a complex trail of text messages, insecurities, apologises and jokes which resulted in my picking up my friend from work at 10pm.  End result one delightful lady home early and a nice chat in a car about pagan things, a win win situation.

Once I was home and settled in I decided to chat to my other friend (from Pwll) and mentioned that I was up near her neck of the woods at about 10.30.  The result of that conversation was that I was going to pop in for coffee the following night after dropping my friend off.  So Wednesday morning I nipped over to tesco and decided to invest in a satnav, thinking it wouldl make my journey to Pwll easier ‘Driving like a local’ as the blurb said.

So anyway, to speed up a bit, another delightful conversation and one friend dropped off and then I pressed in my frineds address in the satnav.  And so began the journey that would take me to places I probably never want to go to again.

The lovely satnav suggested that I hit the motorway and head back from Langennech to Penllegar, then through Gorseinon, which I was half concerned about but dutifully obeyed this contraption.  Then it navigated me to loughor and suddenly demanded that I turn left as it intoned that magic phrase ‘You have arrived at your destination’…..NOT, I was in some side road of blinking loughor named maes yr haf, which was indeed the same name as my friends street, but I knew that the satnav was lying to me (deliberately so) .  So after the initial shock I texted my friend to get her address again whilst revising my eta and proceeded to drive towards the bridge heading towards Llanelli.

5 minutes later I pull up on some lane just off a roundabout while I read the text from my friend to update the satnav (with a hammer I was hoping).  So there was my car, headlights on, indicator flashing, in the middle of nowhere, at 11pm at night.  No wonder the police pulled up next to me, they must of thought I was either some perv or a drug dealer waiting for a some sort of drop.  So after some hasty explanations the police directed me a tad bit further on my journey into the unknown.  After two more texts and I think two more conversation on the phone I eventually managed to pull up in Pwll at about 11.20pm, after dropping off my first friend at 10.25, all of 10 minutes away, as I later found out when driving home.

I hope you all enjoyed this entertaining summary of my dark adventures in Pwll, literally I was in the dark, and without a clue too, hehehe…….

Love you all, a slightly relieved G – after getting home safely

How much can a persons life change in a short span of time?

Its amazing how just 3 weeks ago I was unemployed and my head in a shed…….How they change!

Now I am in work, been there 2 weeks already.  I have an ‘OK’  income, after fretting about being on the dole with a house and bills, thinking I would have to live off fumes and wear bin bags for clothes before the year was out.

I have become a lot more focused, yet also more care free too, strange how that works.  My priorities in life are my son first, other than that it work to live, not live to work, and enjoy myself.

I went to town last Friday night and was actually worrying that I would feel like a square peg in a round hole, but after spending time with my new friends, I realised that none of them fit properly in any of the holes on the damn toy, no matter how hard you hit them with the hammer.  So now I dont care.

I also saw boobies lol, and felt obligated to ensure that the bar staff in question were appreciated by standing there mesmerised (hey it was the first time I ever went to Vice).

Saturday just gone I also went into town with my tattoo as a mission and have booked it in for next week and I cannot wait.

My house on the other hand is half way through painting and I doubt I will have time soon to get it finished, although I should at least finish the front room so I can put the furniture back tidy.

As far as my weight thing is going I put on about a stone over the previous 2 months but have already lost half a stone in the last 2 weeks, so even that is back on track.

So all good really

Loving you all

G – with a Grin  ;-D

So thats me in a nut shell